I spent the whole semester crying. Literally. And I’ve spent my entire morning trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Because, seriously, this is getting out of control. I don’t know whether my life is hard right now or if I’m just weak. Falling apart at the seams. Maybe you can tell I’m leaning towards that. Coming back to this fountain feels like coming back to a part of myself I haven’t visited in awhile. It no longer feels like coming home. But it doesn’t feel nostalgic either. It just….is.
Maybe it’s because this person is still very much a part of me. Maybe I’m not exactly the same as the little girl I was when I used to come here. But I also haven’t run away from her completely. I haven’t grown out of the little girl who imagined seahorses, dragons, and mermaids swimming under the water of the fountain. I can still imagine. I can still dream. She’s just waiting under the surface for when she’s called upon. Holding out for those perfect moments when I need a dream to hold on to. Those instances of perfection that can complete your world if only just for a moment. Maybe I need to create more of those moments for myself. Those little snippets of time where I actually feel eternal. Ethereal. Inspired.
Maybe then I’ll finally stop crying, and will start smiling again. Like little Alexia in front of Buckingham Fountain.

Maybe if you’ve followed me for a while you would notice the theme of airplanes… I named my blog “Butterfly Lifestyle: how do you keep your feet on the ground…?” after one of my favorite Dixie Chicks songs and after the life I wanted… One that never stands still. Always moving.
I think I got my wish. I’m writing this post from an airplane and contemplating how at home I feel in this seat. How at home I feel in 3 completely different cities: Chicago, Boston, LA. It’s odd to land in each place and have someone welcome me home. It’s weird to feel like you belong in so many places. It’s weird but it’s exciting.
In 2-3 weeks I’m headed to my next destination. INDIA! I’m excited and will be there for 3 months. But as I’m sitting in this seat, literally staring out of an airplane window into clouds, I’m wondering what it will feel like to be there.. Will it feel like home too? And if so - how will I leave another home? One much harder to visit?
Something similar happened in South Africa. I was amazed how much I felt like I belong there. I was sad at how hard it was to leave. Angry it wasn’t easier for me to be in all places. I think what I’ve realized recently is that I have an uncanny ability to find myself very much at home in many places.
I had a sociology professor this semester who remarked that he liked to study cultural sociology, because as a child he had to adapt to many differing cultures and became skilled at doing so… I think what I’ve found is that I have the ability to find the beauty in many unique places and to understand people of all different kinds which leads me to be so comfortable in so many settings. It’s hard simply because I cannot be everywhere I love with all the people I love at the same time. It’s great because I get to see the wonders that the world has to offer.

I’m excited for my next experience in India. I cannot wait to discover the beauty that lies there and the people I will befriend. I promise to keep you updated no matter where I end up in the world next! From this plane-hopping girl to my followers,

I have found that the surest way to determine a deep-seated emotional connection is through physical attraction. That strange and exhilarating pull in your gut that draws you to someone - to their persona, to their self. It may be strange coming from me.. if you know me well. But deep down I have always known who I was going to love by the way their physical being swirled and altered my state of self. A touch - an ethereal touch - that somehow feels more physical than any embrace ever will. The presence of a body, a physical being, enough to capture me into a whole new dimension of emotion and thrill. As if my being was enraptured by your being the moment we came into contact. Almost as if it was not a part of my spirit or my soul… almost as if my body knew first. And then there was love.

im missing you today -
the way your cheek feels against mine
the feel of your rough hands in mine
(you always forget to use lotion) 
that smell
the one that is all you
the one that fills every part of my being when you hold me
until i feel like i could be a part of you
an extension of who you are

but thats hard to be when youre so far away
no, its not hard to feel what you feel
but hard to understand why 
i could cry on the days where nothing goes your way
and sometimes, i swear i feel your happiness before you tell me its there
but it would be easier - still -
if you were here and i wasnt

missing you. 

I called my Grandaddy today. He’s fighting inoperable cancer in the chest. And while I was telling him how much I love him, he was telling me how proud he was of me. Who is this man that, in such a tough time, still thinks of me and how I’m doing over talking about how he’s doing?

I’ll tell you - he is a strong man. He is a loving man. He is a former marine who’s probably fighting one of his biggest battles and still telling people that he is keeping his head up.

And that is why I have decided to dedicate my next dance performance to him - one of my family’s soldier, my hero. In the dance, a soldier comes home from war back to their family. And while my Grandaddy has spent my whole life showing me he’s proud of me by coming to graduations, track meets, paying for me to go to South Africa, and loving me - I felt I needed some way to finally show him how proud I AM to be the granddaughter of such a wonderful man. When it comes to actually saying things like that to people though… I often feel that words fall short from my mouth. And so I’m hoping that this dance will show him how I feel.

It’s hard to watch the strongest men in your life in their most weakest moments - physically, mentally, emotionally. Seeing the tolls this situation is taking on my Grandaddy, my dad (his son), my uncles, and my brothers is hard. But in their weakest moments, I see how STRONG they actually are. I am SO blessed to have such strong men as examples around me - strong in the fact that they can admit their weakness, strong in the fact that they love in hard times, strong in the fact that they keep their head up always, and strong in their ability to love me and turn to God even as they suffer through life’s difficulties.

These men are proud to have me in their lives…. And I just want them to know that I AM SO PROUD TO BE FROM THEIR FAMILY. A family of strong men AND women. Who love endlessly, fight for their family, and hold their heads high even in the darkest of nights.

Dear family both near and abroad, I am SO proud to be from all of you. I am so proud to be a part of us. And I love you all more than you know.

I love you, Grandaddy. Always.